True Blood recap, season 2, episode 1

Well, the writers at HBO seem to have crawled into my head to give me what I love: sex, action, blood and Lafayette (at least for now). For that, I am eternally grateful.

But more on all of that in good time. Let’s do like the Good Witch says and start from the beginning. The episode kicks off with Tara and Sookie having a match of wills to see who can scream the loudest over the discovery of a dead body in Officer Andy’s car. We quickly find out that the corpse doesn’t belong to Lafayette—like we all not-so-secretly expect—but can be claimed by Miss Jeanette, the woman who exorcised the demons living in Tara and her mother. That can all be summed up with this: sad face for the lying, cheating clerk at the drug store. Happy face for Lafayette.

Next we’re taken over to the Bon Temps police station where the questioning begins. Tara and her mother are both there sharing memories and having not-so-maternal moments. Let’s suffice it to say that Mama sees this as a personal challenge and another reason to pray, prey and be condescending. Tara sees it as a chance to come clean, which she tries to do. She confesses that she knew for a while that Miss Jeanette was a fake—something that is not welcomed to mama. But before Tara can pull another self-depreciating moment with her mom, in swoops Maryann with some jaw-dropping insults. “Devoid of human compassion” is the nicest thing that crosses her lips.

Next we get a little look at what the past two weeks have been like for Jason. The Bible, brainwashing and blood have all been key words. And now, under the guidance of the much-loved Rev. Steve Newlin, Jason is considering dropping more money than he’s ever had on a church camp. A church camp that promises to turn him into a vampire-hating, Jesus-loving Right Winger. Woot, woot. (More on where the money comes from in just a second.)

Next, things start getting interesting. We have our shape shifting Sam having flashbacks to his younger, more naked years where he was prone to breaking and entering, robbery and sex with strange women. There’s also something about a headless statue and an orgasmic, vibrating Maryann. Why she flickers like a 1980s Daewoo TV, I know not, but I hope to find out soon. All we are privy to for now is that she’s coming back into Sam’s life, and she doesn’t want the cash that his kleptomaniac self took 20 years ago.

Over at the Land of Maryann and False Hopes and Dreams, Tara is still playing with her boy toy, as long as man servant Carl isn’t serving up towels. And when he does—at a most inopportune moment—Maryann is quick to lay the smack down. Literally. To the point that Carl hits the ground. Remind me not to mess with her.

In another fantasy land not so far away, Bill continues his training of protégé Jessica. Things still aren’t cozy, but they are getting a little better. He plays bartender and forces his new vamp to find a mix of Tru Blood that doesn’t taste like “ass.” All of this is news to Sookie, who comes over one day after work to uncover the new redhead living down the street, among other interesting discoveries. Her second revelation: That Bill took out her great uncle Bartlett. You remember him; he was the creepy wheelchair-bound guy who once upon a time molested Sookie. (His meager bankroll is what’s sending Jason to church.) Somehow Sookie is upset by the news that Chester the Molster is dead, and that Bill has the blood on his hands. Something about valuing human life, yadda yadda yadda. But a well-timed bit of groveling on Bill’s behalf keeps Sookie from walking out forever. That moment turns into crazy hot vampire sex, where Anna Paquin gets naked. Let me repeat that. Anna Paquin got naked. NAKED. HBO, I can’t imagine what you paid for that, but I don’t doubt that it was worth it in ratings.

Anyway, I’ve saved the best for last. Back in Bon Temps we get a few flashes of where Lafayette has been kept for the past two weeks. It’s not a pretty place. There are chains, and a cog and slave labor. We know there are vampires, but the reason for the internment isn’t clear right away. After one of the captives makes some smart comment about busting out, in comes Eric—blond, scary, vampire Eric. He mouths off something fierce about justice for the three brethern who were killed in the last season, and we can assume that’s why these folks are being kept in the dungeon. I’m assuming this is the basement of Fangtasia, but I can’t tell for sure. Anyone know?

OK, so those are the highlights: Lafayette is alive and being tortured. Sookie and Bill are still in love and still biting. Jessica is still around, and slightly less annoying. Maryann=creepy. Sam is a naked thief. Tara is horny and in need of approval, and Miss Jeanette is dead. Where that will go next week, we’ll have to wait and see.